Lucio the Gardener
by Kream45
Summary: Lucio agrees to do some plant-oriented job at Mercy's. A story full of weed and hoes.


**/Hoes take of your clothes. Hoes tickle my toes. Those are some really crude things to say. That's why you should always remember to respect each other. Faggots.**

 **Oh and also, don't buy drugs kids. Become a popstar and you'll get them for free! :0/**

Lucio rang the bell at Mercy's door. She approached the door. She grabbed the handle. She turned it left. She pulled it. The door opened.

Lucio opened his mouth. He stimulated his vocal cords to make sounds come out of his mouth. He molded the sounds to make words. He combined the words to make a sentence.

"Hi there." He said, "I came here to… hold on…" Lucio turned around and achoo'ed. His sneeze blew away the other half of the planet behind him straight into cosmos.

"… to do some **green** work in your house." Lucio ended his sentence after it being interrupted by the sneeze before, also why am I telling you this since it happened like a second ago and you've just read it? Whatever lol.

"That's cool Lucio, I wasn't sure if you'd come." Mercy smiled and opened the door wider. Lucio walked in and followed Mercy.

"Who wouldn't agree? You said there was gonna be weed and hoes." Lucio then stopped for a second, "Why is it so quiet? Did I really come first?"

"Umm, what are you talking about? We don't need anybody else for that." Mercy replied.

" _OH SHIT."_ Lucio processed the information in his little black head, _"She wants the D! Man, and I thought It was just gonna be another smoking party!"_

"Well damn girl, let's do this then." He started unzipping his pants.

"This is the place." Mercy opened the door to the backyard, "… why are you unzipping your pants?"

"What? Oh- oooh, so we gonna do this outside? Casually, full clothes, m I rite?"

"Umm, of course. We're not going to do it naked, lol."

" _What's so 'lol' about it, gurl? :| "_ Lucio thought.

They walked outside and Mercy turned around.

"Well, here we are. Now grab that hoe and help me over here." Mercy said and walked towards some sunflowers.

"HOE? Where?!" Lucio looked where Mercy pointed at, "That ain't no hoe, that's just some really long stick, u tryin' to pull a prank on me?"

"Lucio, have you ever even seen a hoe before?" Mercy asked, "Have you only agreed to help me because my name is Angela, and your fetish is..."

"Hey, we've been there already." Lucio stopped her, "No need to get back to the previous Lucio-story from this shitty author."

" *sigh* alright, since you're already here, could you please remove the weeds from those marigolds?" Mercy pointed at the marigolds and returned to tending sunflowers.

Lucio grabbed the hoe and approached the marigolds.

" _I'm such a dumbass nigga…"_ he thought, _"I was so sure I would nut today… and I can't back out of this gardening thing, or I'm gonna look like an idiot"_

Then it turned out that he wasn't actually thinking. He said it all out loud.

Mercy looked at him with the =^.^= face.

No, not that one. The kind of weirded out one.

:0 yeah, this one.

Actually I'd like to take this moment and point out that the narrative in my stories is retarded and also I like to go out on my balcony from time to time, put my ass a little bit behind the rail, stretch my sphincter and shoot shits out of my ass at the opposite building.

Alright where were we… ahh yes, Lucio is making a retard out of himself, again. Just like me.

"Lucio, if this isn't what you expected, then I guess there's no point in keeping you here. You can go." Mercy stated.

"Wait!" Lucio denied. He thought that even if he helps ONLY by a little, that ultimately raises his chances with her, "I guess there's nothing bad with removing some weeds."

"That's right, you bitch-ass nigga." Mercy said, much to Lucio's dismay, "Now getcho ass over here and help me with this shit."

"Aren't you a bit vulgar?"

"Umm…" Mercy blushed and calmed down, "I wanted to sound like a true nig- I mean, African-American."

"Oh. Well, that turned out spectacularly well."

They stood there for like ten seconds.

"What was the point of this story again?" Lucio asked.

"We were going to do some gardening." Mercy snapped out of her fantasies about tentacles, "While you were scratching your dick and saying weird shit to yourself before, I've removed most of the weed from the sunflowers."

She threw the weed onto a big pile.

"Though it's really a lot… find yourself useful and throw it all into a garbage bin." Mercy said.

"Well, I can throw it into the big fucking chasm, created by my sneeze at the beginning of the story."

"I'm not sure this works that way…"

And it didn't, because when Lucio arrived at the spot of the sneeze-catastrophe, there was no chasm leading straight to space. It's just that there was a lot of lava everywhere, under 90 degrees of the spot. Like, you come over to the edge and there's a vast, flat pool of rocks and lava on the "wall" of the chasm, which is now the floor if you take a step forward, whatever kek.  
 **#** science **#** sothatshowitworks **#** touchingyourselfwhilebrowsingpicturesofrandomblackpeople

Lucio threw the weed into the lava and returned to Mercy.

"Well you sure took your time to throw away those weeds…" Mercy sighed.

"Oh that's because I contemplated the destruction I've caused and almost destroyed the entire human race, and somehow the Earth hasn't fallen appart yet, but thanks to the plotbeing so convenient, we can..."

"Shut up idiot, I don't care." Mercy BITCHslapped him, "You were contemplating the destruction for five hours."

"Holy SHIT!" Lucio exclaimed, "Was I really?!"

"Yes, and I managed to remove all the weeds by myself."

":c I'm sorry I wasn't of any help to you."

"It doesn't matter I guess. Now all that's left to do is to get rid of all this weed."

Lucio was already very tired, especially that he neither blazed nor _penetrated_ anything that day.

"Hey… why don't we… blaze all that weed?" Lucio suggested.

"But this isn't the weed you're thinking about." Mercy said.

"Let me change that." Lucio approached the pile of weed and performed his voodoo magic. The pile turned into leaves of marijuana. "Wow, look at that, I didn't actually think it was gonna work."

"…"

"What?"

"This story is getting more and more stupid."

"Well, why don't we discuss it over some weed and some alcohol and some churros?" Lucio suggested.

"How does it benefit me to agree on that?" Mercy asked.

"Are you really going to reject such a handsome, big-dicked black guy like me?"

"Yes."

And then Lucio fiercely grabbed thirty marijuana leaves, rolled 10 joints and put them into his asshole.

"Dafuq?! Why are you doing that?" Mercy yucked.

"That's because I really, really like putting stuff up my ass."

"Hey, that's funny because 'stuff' can mean like 'things' and 'weed'."

"Yeah, that was funny."

Then there was an awkward moment of silence.

"We go watch Shrek anthology?" Mercy asked.

"Yeah :)"

And then they watched the entire Shrek anthology, even though Lucio insisted countless times to stop watching and start performing some ANAL.

Then they argued about which anime is better, Naruto or The Other Naruto. Mercy kicked him out of her house and this was the worst day in Lucio's life.

But he came back to Mercy next day, apologized for his terrible behavior and even brought some whipped cream.

Mercy said that he's still a stupid nigger in her eyes, but his efforts should be nonetheless rewarded with einal. Lucio's dreams have finally come true. Kind of.

They went to the bedroom, but then, a herd of wild Ganondorfs rampaged in and destroyed their anuses.

Umm that actually wasn't Lucio's dream at all. WHATEVER I'm done with this shiet :0

 **THE END**

Looking back to my early days as a shitpost writer, I can say with full certainty that I have diarrhea.


End file.
